Tired........

Very tired tonight. Another interview today – not a post that ChickPea wanted to go for, but the Powers That Be (and that can influence The Allowance) were very very keen (well insistent, really) that her CV go in for this one. She feared repercussions if she refused…… (And a bit dischuffed - after all, an average of an interview a month doesn’t seem too bad over these past 3.5 months since Unemployment moved in. And 18 applications submitted over the 14 weeks as well. OK – no room for complacency, but not really needing the sort of kick up the wotsit and compromise of personal integrity that this has all felt like. . ….. )

So they put it in (was due in when Jury Duty was happening, was found just about the day before and she really had no opportunity to do it by the deadline).

Herself was not keen for an interview for a job she doesn’t feel suited for .... and, guess what ? (Ha ! But of course ! )

So – re-jig the brain: decide to be pleased to have got to interview ….. and commit to it…..determine to give it a best shot and be as honest to self as possible……

(but what if offered ? – go with the flow - a job is a job, after all, and pennies ........engage with dilemmas over that if it ever happens)…….

Trouble is, all the other applications ARE, in fact, jobs she’d really like and want to commit to……….

Anyway. So what happened ? Interviewers at the end of their afternoon who seemed to think it was all a bit of a joke, really…… (we all waited and expressed concern while the interviewer couldn’t read her questions and fussed about her contact lenses)…….. And despite best shot, ChickPea didn’t really feel she’d got a clear sight of the target, so it all came out rather woolly, really. Disappointing feeling. Didn’t feel like ‘her best’. Never mind. Maybe it means future engagement with this one won’t have to happen…. Expect to hear by the end of next week……. With a second stage scheduled for mid-November for successes from today…….. (So time for other things to show up in the interim…….)

But see the amount of energy this has consumed in preparation, not sleeping and not getting other things done…….

Not the best start to the evening. No matter. If she ever wondered why she Cathedral Sings, ChickPea knew something of ‘why’ tonight. Not the most inspiring of repertoire either, nor the greatest of rehearsals, and most of us seemed somewhat jaded. But there was still That Something that carried her through the evening to an OK place.

And tomorrow……… what tomorrow ? There’s a few possible jobs left from the last search……. and the requirement to scour the newspapers at the local library and computer search again at the jobcentre….. so let’s see if she can get another application in before the weekend………..

Caring for the carers......

ChickPea, TH, Ms Mog, Mr Mutt and Myna and Moe got back to the big city last night, in the same rain that loads of other people were getting too. Myna and Moe, two more very beautiful hens to bring our wee flock to four, had only just joined the family during the afternoon, but the rest of the gang had spent a few days in Dumfriesshire, at a fabulous cottage surrounded by sheep, where you can see the local beach and sea from bedroom, conservatory and bathroom, and where ‘dark’ at night really does mean ‘dark’. A few days with including enough wind to blow away most cobwebs, enough rain to wash away accumulated dust, enough sunshine (YES – REALLY !) to lift the spirits aloft to fly with the local red kites, and enough sleep to allow both Rest and Recuperation to join the party. Yes, a few very good days, thank you.

The process continues.......

Bereavement and grieving being the process in question. You think you’re doing well, and have moved on to the next chapter of your life – and something grabs you by the ankle and suddenly you feel crumpled in a heap like so many autumn leaves.

Life in the ChickPea household rumbles on, and you would think DJ both gone and forgotten……… But the dreams prove otherwise. Last night was a case in point. One of those dreams which is so so vivid you can hardly believe you have awoken when you do awake. So real.

ChickPea dreamt she’d woken, got up, gone down the road to the regular Thursday morning Eucharist. Dreamt she got there surprisingly early (ChickPea doesn’t do ‘Early’ !) – so met up with TH for a coffee – all in astonishing technicolour and 3-D – in fact, absolutely all the normal detail and sensations of everyday life – then she suddenly realized she couldn’t remember where DJ was – why wasn’t he along too for the service ? – she then realized she couldn’t remember getting him up for the day, or even giving him his breakfast – he would be hungry, and upset, and alone and still in his bed - in fact, couldn’t remember where he was sleeping – knew his bed at home had not been slept in for days, but he wasn’t in a residential home either – so where on earth was he – was he on his own at home ? - what had she done with him ? – where and why had she left him abandoned ? - where to look for him even ? - (she did have a feeling he wouldn't be at home, but it seemed the best place to start looking) - so she tore off home in a great panic, distressed and angry with herself because she had been so totally thoughtless and devoid of normal care and consideration, and completely unable to speak to even TH about it as she dashed away……… and it was all just a dream…….. but so so real………

Strange, isn’t it.

Well - another Wednesday

ChickPea had hoped that she’d be more adept at re-wording the CV by now. But no – has taken all morning again today, just like Monday. There again, I guess she’d hoped to have solved the unemployment hole in her life by now so’s CV-manipulation would no longer be necessary……. And headaches aren’t helping. (They recede at times, so I doubt if it’s anything other than rather horrid).

So here we are. Unsuccessful outcome to last week’s interview. (Thank you for your kind enquiry Fr K). Nothing further from the other two applications that were submitted at the same time.

SIX more applications submitted so far this week – 2 by the kind person at the jobseeker support place (cos I was unavailable yesterday at the critical moment to further re-jig the layout and submit), another 2 sent off last night at some unseemly hour (and wondering why ChickPea has a headache, eh…), and a further 2 today…….. This now brings her to a grand total of sixteen applications over the 14 weeks of Jobseeking, so a current average of just over 1/week (lucky ChickPea is not applying for accountancy-type jobs, eh !!). As she’s away Monday-Friday next week, and avoids doing job applications at a w/e if she can, this average is unlikely to stay at such a giddy height……. But maybe still a few more ‘possibles’ to get to grips with before she goes away on Monday………

Currently needing to clear the head, scoff some supper, polish the determination and aim to get to bed at a sensible hour………. ironing, washing up, hoovering and tidying will just have to wait a bit longer. (And no – ChickPea doesn’t do ‘dusting’………)

Life is all tangled up with ‘Jury Duty’ this week – ChickPea phoned last Friday and found she was not required for Monday ( Yay !), hence working on CVs for submission on closing date of Tuesday. But the phonecall Monday night confirmed the trek to the High Court was required on Tuesday (hence non-availability for final re-jigging of CVs and submission – thanks again to Kind Person). Finally got home just after midday, not selected. (Again)

Curious, isn’t it, how these things bombard your psyche. The great relief of not having to Do The Public Duty after all, and not have to wrestle with the sordid details of alleged incidents that should never have happened had there been appropriate respect and consideration. And THEN, unaccountably, the ridiculous sideswipe of “they don’t want me either”…….. chain up the lions and gird up the loins………..

Last Saturday, the chooks’ accommodation was re-arranged to provide better wintering quarters (no more paddling across a flooded lawn to shut their door at night ! – no, now they can be reached from the house !!!!). They appear content with the changes – certainly there wasn’t the hullabaloo on Monday morning that occurred Sunday when they confronted the day and found their world had changed dramatically. (This was a pity, because the folks upstairs consequently overslept on Monday………….). But tonight – Wednesday – it feels like we’ll get a frost, so the chookies have been shut in for the night, hoping the two of them’ll be a bit warmer. They huddle together to sleep, all very endearing, but probably still a bit chilly in the rather larger than necessary house. (But better for our backs…… yes, the final decision re ‘whch one’ was all down to design considerations). Hoping to get another two chooks on the way home from hols next week (no – we haven’t told the neighbours !) – four of them together should be warmer.

Meantime, Autumn has happened over the last 2 days of rain. ChickPea had been hoping to take sequential photos of the staggering changes of leaf hue when out with Mr Mutt each morning……. but her photographic abilities do not stretch to keeping a camera dry if out in a monsoon. And the vast majority of the leaves are now down. Winter approaches.

National Poetry Day 2008

Now here’s a thing - and A Very Fine Thing too. National Poetry Day.

Read a poem. Recite a poem. Write a poem. Send a poem. Share a poem with the person on the bus next to you.

Try a look at Best Scottish Poems 2007 at http://www.spl.org.uk/best-poems/007.htm

Go on – I dare you ! Find a poem that speaks to you, and ENJOY !

(Brought to ChickPea’s attention by The Hubby hisself. A poem in her email to greet her return home after The Interview. Romance Incarnate. Now isn’t that A Very Very Fine Thing Indeed).

A Rollercoaster of a day......

ChickPea and Mr Mutt were awaiting TH’s emergence from his place of employment this afternoon, so to pass the time (and because she’s only just discovered this unexpected aspect/resultant requirement of her mobile phone), ChickPea was ‘deleting sent messages’ ……… months’ and months’ and months’ worth………so there was heaps of stuff relating to DJ. Fairly ‘tame stuff’ maybe, but it was still unexpected, and more of a shock than anticipated.

Bereavement is like that, isn’t it. Just when you think you’re moving on, something grabs you by the ankle.

There’s a lot of this kind of stuff around in ChickPea’s day to day life at the moment, not least because her own Dad was dying slowly in the extreme south of England at the same time that DJ was moving into residence with her and TH in Scotland. So ‘Dad loss’ has been a compound experience spanning somewhat more than these five or so years. And I guess there’ll be yet more to reach the surface – as it does, and as it must.

Meantime, a very dear pal is living thru the heartache of losing a beloved pet who has been close friend and companion, and supported both heart and sanity thru recent divorce. Initial survival of pet was precarious about ten days back – apparent progress seemed to offer hope, and got pet home and seeming recovering – but now the blood tests show a hopeless outcome just a few days away. As Ms Mog is almost nineteen, and slowly but steadily fading away (tho still appears content, enjoying her food and occupying most of the bed all day - and much of it all night), ChickPea and TH feel very very aware of pal’s sadness.

And then, this evening, surprise, surprise – invitation to an ‘initial interview’ ! On Thursday. Yes – just three days’ time! Hardly time to draw breath. After recent knockbacks and several non-replies, one of the Jobseeking efforts of last week is daring look at ChickPea in the flesh ! Cor. Gosh…….. (panic)

Now, the chances of her getting to the next step may be most unlikely – and much as she had been thinking of part time hours, “five-going-on-fifty-something” is kinda young for green fields and horseplay – and maybe a change of direction into a satisfying employment course will need not only personal commitment but time dedicated to achieving change…….. At the very very least, another interview will be another most useful experience, and even just getting invited to interview is dead good for the morale, and … who knows what the future may hold ? She’s been saying she wants “to do something different”, and has been doing ‘head level’ reinventions of herself after all, and ambitious job applications ……. so will this chicken come home to roost ? ………..

Thru the window at 4pm today.........

Autumn is definitely upon us..........

Yup. You don’t need to be a working mum to notice the flying by of the time, nice clock or no nice clock. The colours of autumn are encroaching, so enjoy them while you can ………. ChickPea was out in Kelvingrove Park again yesterday with her box brownie (well – a descendent of her BB), and all being well we’ll see some autumnal flavours getting into the Risotto over the next few days…….

Meantime, let’s see what’s been happening to fluff up the soufflé……. ( and we’ll just forget all about PK’s take on ‘fluffing’, won’t we…….)

ChickPea has been vigorously jobhunting of late. Various returns not wishing to employ her talents notwithstanding. Luckily, enough combined SAD light exposure and sunshine by-the-by to rouse her wilting spirits, and to fire up both The Imagination and The Latent Blagger Within……. Whoo hoo ! ….. So the most unlikely of job adverts have been viewed with decreasing suspicion, the CV turned inside out, with a nip here, a tuck there, a few more stitches and a modicum of embroidery……. I tell you – if all it took was Positive Thinking, she’d be running the world by now….. but…….

So there’s now another 3 applications in during this week… (quite enough to handle for just now - tho’ she picked up more possibilities at the Jobcentre this morning, so will doubtless peruse the potential therein before hanging her Blagging Boots up for the weekend……) …….. and I do believe the sunshine is out to play, the chooks are only up to their ankles in mud, Ms Mog is sleeping the sleep of the well fed, and Mr Mutt is surveying the back yard morosely, and wondering If There’s Any Justice At All In The Universe…….. (cos if there is, why oh why is he jus’ sittin’ waitin’ for his walk ?)

OK, Mr Mutt. Like the Guinness advert says, all it takes is patience…….. good things come to those wot wait…….