.... of sunshine .......

Giving thanks today for sunshine …. even MORE sunshine that is.  The West of Scotland is not famous for sunshine, so when it visits us Life Feels Special.  And amazingly, over these last 4 weeks the sun has been with us for most of each day. 

4 weeks.  Already 4 weeks.  A month.  Every day of which feels like a lifetime….

Bereavement is difficult at any time, and, in our present scenario of lockdown and social distancing because of the Coronovirus Covid-19 Pandemic, I guess now is as challenging a time as any for learning to cope with/accept the grief that overwhelms ….. and eventually to rediscover how to live alone again.  

Apologies.  I thought I could get a grip today and Communicate. But words are eluding me.  

I guess today has been a good day.  Today being Sunday, I celebrated by (1) Getting up at 9am to let the dogs out for a comfort break and breakfast, and then (2) we all went back to bed to indulge in a Long Lie.  

Once I finally crawled out from under the duvet we hit the park for half an hour, and then I was relieved to find I could spend an hour or so Engaging With The Stuff That Needs Attention.  

My initial attempts are about just going through whichever area of the house is being tackled, and sifting related things into the same place, and then what remains into recyclable goods and rubbish.  Outlets for things that need to be re-homed are not available just now because of lockdown, so I have the luxury of having to take my time over The Sorting.  

Once current restrictions are lifted I am hoping to be able to have achieved enough organisation to have bagged items ready to take to the identified destinations…… and thereby reduce my current overwhelming chaos into a more manageable (and less daunting) Project.

That is The Intention. Meantime The Dogs Need To Go Out.

Thank you for your company. Be safe.  Hang on to sanity with me, and we’ll see where we can get to along this rocky road.

Water Under The Bridge

There has been much water under the bridge over these past eleven years......

After my Father-in-Law died of his dementia, I spent a turbulent year trying to find permanent employment ..... my former post as a senior clinician in the NHS had passed to another ...... I now needed to explore a different line of employment as the stresses I was experiencing in the NHS had been increasingly overwhelming before Domino Joe suddenly needed 24 hour care..... we wanted him home with us and guessed we had about five years of Caring before he would depart.... but it was much less .....

This blog became a recovery vehicle from The Life That Had Been and the disappointments that Life sometimes bestows ....an outlet for a Carer's cares.... and a Safe Space for ..... well, for anything that came up.

Eventually employment was secured, establishing a challenging new "normal" in The City that somehow left blogging behind... and life held more unexpected demands.... the diagnosis of breast cancer.... 12 hours of surgery and reconstruction..... chemotherapy and radiotherapy...... and slow recovery...... our two remaining  chooks Myna and Maybelline (who needed more attention than I could now give them) moved to a new home with a whole flock of friends, in a retired farm garden and more freedom than they could believe .... and both resumed laying indicating how happy they were again...... Bramble grew into a beautiful blue Lady Standard Poodle ...... and I found I had passed the age when I had expected to retire, with another 6 years before I would reach the Revised Retirement Age and State Pension, and my beloved TH not only reminded me of my forgotten NHS pension but generously wanted to provide for me .... ever the kind and chivalrous gentleman and My Wonderful Hero! ... and I became A Lady Of Leisure ...... Holly, a miniature poodle puppy and Mud Magnet joined us one Christmas to fulfil a dream TH admitted of living with two dogs ...... busy days that galloped along almost without being recognised for the idyllic existence they now present......

Three weeks ago yesterday my beloved partner, "TH", The Hubby, died of Pancreatic Cancer.  Diagnosed exactly thirteen months prior, and given the prognosis of just 3 to 6 months.  Before that we had spent about 5 years trying to get answers to health problems that were besetting his life.  The oh so typical story of so very many people who are eventually diagnosed as Stage Four "PanCan"..... there are only four stages and there is no effective treatment at this stage, though thankfully a rapid blast of radiotherapy initially helped control much of his pain, and he gladly grasped the offered chemotherapy that gave him .... gave us..... about five months without needing morphine ..... but then two months after completing the course of chemo the pain came back....

Supporting My Beloved through these months..... sharing the hope against hope ..... seeing the pain increase, the painkillers increase, his concentration and hold on life be taken away, his stamina fade, his strength recede, his morale eroded ..... was a heartbreaking and overwhelming saga.....

My Beloved stepped gently into the Next Realm just two days before UK went into the present "lockdown" with the Covid-19 coronovirus pandemic.  Thank God he was spared this scenario...... and he was spared the dementia he so dreaded that had ended the lives of both his Mum and Dad......

And now it is again Easter Day. Always a powerful and poignant time of year.  And this year especially so.  And my favourite spring flowers are out in the garden...

I need to find out who I am again...... deal with Things That Must Be Dealt With ..... get thru the grief ...... learn to accept this new "normal" ...... accept the tears that appear uninvited and unannounced ....... look after our lovely furry family  ...... and survive the social isolation that imprisons us all just now.  My life is like many others .... none of us has a guidebook, nor a blueprint to help us along.  Each of us, ultimately, is alone.

You are welcome to share whatever pops up as Chickpea once more laces her big boots, shoulders her backpack .... wipes her eyes again .... and steps out again along the Blogging Highways and Byeways to look for flowers.

Tippytoeing where Angels fear to tread.......

Well .... here's A Thing ...... rediscovering that I can once again access my long-neglected blog which proved so Helpful A Thing in the past .... gee.... long past that is...... Life and Work intervened...... and a year or several.... er.... ok ....... a bit of honesty required ........many years have passed.... now I need to both rediscover How To Do This, and Start Doing .......  but first  the grown up (now 9 years old!) Bramble and her Little Sister (who shall be introduced along the way) require their supper .......