.... of sunshine .......

Giving thanks today for sunshine …. even MORE sunshine that is.  The West of Scotland is not famous for sunshine, so when it visits us Life Feels Special.  And amazingly, over these last 4 weeks the sun has been with us for most of each day. 

4 weeks.  Already 4 weeks.  A month.  Every day of which feels like a lifetime….

Bereavement is difficult at any time, and, in our present scenario of lockdown and social distancing because of the Coronovirus Covid-19 Pandemic, I guess now is as challenging a time as any for learning to cope with/accept the grief that overwhelms ….. and eventually to rediscover how to live alone again.  

Apologies.  I thought I could get a grip today and Communicate. But words are eluding me.  

I guess today has been a good day.  Today being Sunday, I celebrated by (1) Getting up at 9am to let the dogs out for a comfort break and breakfast, and then (2) we all went back to bed to indulge in a Long Lie.  

Once I finally crawled out from under the duvet we hit the park for half an hour, and then I was relieved to find I could spend an hour or so Engaging With The Stuff That Needs Attention.  

My initial attempts are about just going through whichever area of the house is being tackled, and sifting related things into the same place, and then what remains into recyclable goods and rubbish.  Outlets for things that need to be re-homed are not available just now because of lockdown, so I have the luxury of having to take my time over The Sorting.  

Once current restrictions are lifted I am hoping to be able to have achieved enough organisation to have bagged items ready to take to the identified destinations…… and thereby reduce my current overwhelming chaos into a more manageable (and less daunting) Project.

That is The Intention. Meantime The Dogs Need To Go Out.

Thank you for your company. Be safe.  Hang on to sanity with me, and we’ll see where we can get to along this rocky road.

Water Under The Bridge

There has been much water under the bridge over these past eleven years......

After my Father-in-Law died of his dementia, I spent a turbulent year trying to find permanent employment ..... my former post as a senior clinician in the NHS had passed to another ...... I now needed to explore a different line of employment as the stresses I was experiencing in the NHS had been increasingly overwhelming before Domino Joe suddenly needed 24 hour care..... we wanted him home with us and guessed we had about five years of Caring before he would depart.... but it was much less .....

This blog became a recovery vehicle from The Life That Had Been and the disappointments that Life sometimes bestows ....an outlet for a Carer's cares.... and a Safe Space for ..... well, for anything that came up.

Eventually employment was secured, establishing a challenging new "normal" in The City that somehow left blogging behind... and life held more unexpected demands.... the diagnosis of breast cancer.... 12 hours of surgery and reconstruction..... chemotherapy and radiotherapy...... and slow recovery...... our two remaining  chooks Myna and Maybelline (who needed more attention than I could now give them) moved to a new home with a whole flock of friends, in a retired farm garden and more freedom than they could believe .... and both resumed laying indicating how happy they were again...... Bramble grew into a beautiful blue Lady Standard Poodle ...... and I found I had passed the age when I had expected to retire, with another 6 years before I would reach the Revised Retirement Age and State Pension, and my beloved TH not only reminded me of my forgotten NHS pension but generously wanted to provide for me .... ever the kind and chivalrous gentleman and My Wonderful Hero! ... and I became A Lady Of Leisure ...... Holly, a miniature poodle puppy and Mud Magnet joined us one Christmas to fulfil a dream TH admitted of living with two dogs ...... busy days that galloped along almost without being recognised for the idyllic existence they now present......

Three weeks ago yesterday my beloved partner, "TH", The Hubby, died of Pancreatic Cancer.  Diagnosed exactly thirteen months prior, and given the prognosis of just 3 to 6 months.  Before that we had spent about 5 years trying to get answers to health problems that were besetting his life.  The oh so typical story of so very many people who are eventually diagnosed as Stage Four "PanCan"..... there are only four stages and there is no effective treatment at this stage, though thankfully a rapid blast of radiotherapy initially helped control much of his pain, and he gladly grasped the offered chemotherapy that gave him .... gave us..... about five months without needing morphine ..... but then two months after completing the course of chemo the pain came back....

Supporting My Beloved through these months..... sharing the hope against hope ..... seeing the pain increase, the painkillers increase, his concentration and hold on life be taken away, his stamina fade, his strength recede, his morale eroded ..... was a heartbreaking and overwhelming saga.....

My Beloved stepped gently into the Next Realm just two days before UK went into the present "lockdown" with the Covid-19 coronovirus pandemic.  Thank God he was spared this scenario...... and he was spared the dementia he so dreaded that had ended the lives of both his Mum and Dad......

And now it is again Easter Day. Always a powerful and poignant time of year.  And this year especially so.  And my favourite spring flowers are out in the garden...

I need to find out who I am again...... deal with Things That Must Be Dealt With ..... get thru the grief ...... learn to accept this new "normal" ...... accept the tears that appear uninvited and unannounced ....... look after our lovely furry family  ...... and survive the social isolation that imprisons us all just now.  My life is like many others .... none of us has a guidebook, nor a blueprint to help us along.  Each of us, ultimately, is alone.

You are welcome to share whatever pops up as Chickpea once more laces her big boots, shoulders her backpack .... wipes her eyes again .... and steps out again along the Blogging Highways and Byeways to look for flowers.

Tippytoeing where Angels fear to tread.......

Well .... here's A Thing ...... rediscovering that I can once again access my long-neglected blog which proved so Helpful A Thing in the past .... gee.... long past that is...... Life and Work intervened...... and a year or several.... er.... ok ....... a bit of honesty required ........many years have passed.... now I need to both rediscover How To Do This, and Start Doing .......  but first  the grown up (now 9 years old!) Bramble and her Little Sister (who shall be introduced along the way) require their supper .......

Meantime, Down in the Deep Dark Dell…..

With all the rain of the last few weeks - and more today - there’s been plenty of growth in the lawn.  I think ours is a ‘field grass’ lawn, with a few bits of better class turf which have been bought in along the way to bolster the gardener’s morale.  What we actually need is a robust, low-growth, sturdy, fine-leafed, dog-pee-proof, maintenance-free, hen-proof type of grass which grows extremely slowly…….  Any suggestions?

Having pulverized said grass into submission with the mower I now find I need to crash on the sofa for 6 hours. … well, for 30 mins minimum.  Just taking the dog out has a similar effect. This fatigue and lethargy may relate to the recent finding of raised blood pressure, which will be addressed with doc tomorrow morning.  That Easter Wipeout Virus may be involved, as a persisting erratic cough has been surfacing intermittently since then.  And the recent growing realization that the HRT was probably a significant factor re headaches, low morale, increasing irritability, poor quality sleep, joint pains and recurring hot flushes instigated a stop……. some relief for 5 days, but then the sleep and flushes got even worse, so back to the formula of several months ago which made a HUGE difference – for about 2 weeks…………. Oh, to have been born male………

I guess this current ‘deep, dark, dell’ holds a few insights as well as multiple chewy beanstalks for the old cow ….(reference to my Latin teacher’s attempt many moons ago to remind her pupils of the vocal stresses considered necessary when reading pentameter verses out loud….. visit ‘ChickPea Risotto’ to read the rhyme)………

As a teenager I lived for several years in deeply distressing gloomy despondency.  My teenage friends didn’t seem to relate to this at all, so it was mostly held within.  I confided a little in my parish priest, a kind and wise gentleman (with a wife and 3 daughters) who did his utmost to guide, support and encourage my spiritual journey and development through those troublous times. 

As my family didn’t even begin to acknowledge or communicate about ‘internal stuff’ I don’t suppose they had much of a clue, really – I was just their moody Youngest who wouldn’t ‘snap out of it’ (….like there was a choice, eh?)

For me, it was just how/where Life Was.  It never occurred to me that there might be a REASON for it – like the hormonal shifts / imbalances which assail some at puberty.  I hope that today’s parents, priests, GPs and youngsters are better informed.  But I now realize that the Dark Places I have been bogged down in for these last many weeks of Great Grief seem to have a very similar terrain to those swamps encountered in teenage years.  Hormonal Gymnastics seems very likely to be a related, and maybe the causal, factor.

Insights like these don’t feel like a lot of help, however.  GP or Specialist just says, “stay with these tablets a bit longer and see if it all settles down”, or, “well, I have just the answer to the sleeping problem – take these”……. so the joint pains return, irritability sneaks in below the radar and escalates into epic proportions before muggins notices Something Is Amiss.   

Fortunately I have generous friends who accept me as I am.  Such kindness is a gift more precious than anything, and such Friendship is awesome………

Depths of Doldrum Duvet.......

ChickPea is wandering around in the Doldrums and has lost her map at the moment. Somewhat bogged down and struggling to find a way forward thru tangled briars, bindweed and stinging nettles…..

It is a well known fact of Life that unresolved anger can hide quietly in the internal dustbin until a new, maybe exceedingly trivial annoyance, lifts the lid and allows the whole shebang to explode with a response completely out of proportion to the triggering incident.  I grew up with a Much Loved who held such anger, and it is not an easy one to live alongside.

But I don’t think I had realized that Disappointments and Sadnesses can have a similar cumulative effect. 

Disappointments and Sadnesses can appear to have been fully  accepted, dispersed and assimilated into your Life’s Rich Tapestry……… but nonetheless there can be a heap of accumulating disappointments getting bigger when you’re not looking – you’re just doing your best to get on with survival and putting one foot in front of the other. …..

And THEN there’s the possibility that such a heap will reach a point where it just topples over and overwhelms you…….

Horrid “illness” bugs, working too many hours in the week, childlessness, bereavements, lost jobs, missed opportunities, public ‘fluffs’ in rare solo singing opportunities,  friendships that have foundered – or seem to be foundering, personal potential that hasn’t found a way of nurture or development …….. generally accumulated clutter.............. and far, FAR too much rain………. and, no doubt, age and hormones………

 All of these seem to feature in ChickPea’s current landscape, blotting out blessings and blurring perspective.  Most had been lying down, so quietly slipping under the radar…….. seemingly ‘sorted’ (as Glasgow would put it) ……but ALL now jumping around with great vigour ....... proving a little tricky to handle and impossible to ignore………… worse to catch and deal with even than recalcitrant hens ……..

I guess some sunshine would help………. (it would certainly help the hens).

So I guess this is by way of apology to all who have any contact with me……… I haven’t been blogging, I haven’t been visiting around the blogosphere, I haven’t been my usual interested, outgoing and affirming self, I really haven’t been much fun to live with, and, I guess, I haven’t fully been ME……. 

I know the grass will grow over all, but it may take a bit longer yet to create a lawn ………

A Most Mighty Mystery

For much of my life, the ‘Easter Season’ has been a major focal point of my life.  Lent, Holy Week and so to Easter…….. a yearly recurrence with ecclesiastically structured prompts of silence and solitude to stop, review, reflect, assess and reassess ……  meeting myself……..who I am…… what I am……… where I am at ……..  Not an easy process, and rarely a comfortable or enjoyable undertaking.  But, sure as light follows darkness and eggs is eggs, this time of year seems to require of me a certain engagement with the essence of mortality…… a kind of ‘head to head’ with fundamental reality. 

For me, this Lent has involved a looking back over my shoulder, whispers from the past, glimpsed shadows of The Loved But Lost  who have passed on to eternity …….. renewed recognition that Water Passes Under The Bridge, and the twigs and ‘Pooh sticks’ of everyday existence catch in the reeds for a moment, then swirl away out of sight and into the far distance………….        The hopes and dreams of what the future just might hold fading in the harsh glare of Time’s headlights.

And so we reached Palm Sunday last weekend, then on into Holy Week. 

Today we approached the Maundy Thursday liturgy.  Stark contrasts of a rich sung mass (this year to be the Rheinberger setting) with the slightly embarrassing simplicity of feet being washed; the clash of fancy ornate robes and vestments with the everyday action of taking, breaking and sharing bread and wine.  So much Big, Bright, Shiny and Lavish……. and then the shocking and harsh removal of all our accustomed church furnishings and embellishments ……..  the solemn procession to a symbolic garden……. and then a darkened, chastened church…… and silent vigil …. the waiting for the end of it …….

So it would be, as so many times before.  The rituals stirring up the hearts and minds and feelings of the assembled congregation in so many ways……. some engrossed in the act of worship…….  others just there for the music….. some appalled at the time it was all taking…….    others perplexed by the sheer drama……. Tumultuous, as at Gethsemane.

So it would be, and, I guess, so it was. 

TH has been floored by an ‘upper respiratory tract infection’ for the last two weeks or so, sore throat, hacking cough, sleepless nights, papertrail of tissues…….. not a chance for him of singing the glorious Rheinberger this time. 

Ten days behind him, finally feeling flesh succumbing to the inevitable last Sunday,  I thought I would at least manage to be a part of the assembly tonight.  Rehearsing tonight I realised this hope was futile.  The voice was strained, and though in tune (so far as the dull deaf ear could tell) was probably not particularly pleasant and doubtless far from reliable. Risk assessment  for the occasion indicated strategic withdrawal was mandatory.

So I took the dog out to romp with her canine companions in the gathering dusk, marvelled at the beauty of first-laid eggs from our junior hens, and moped with my husband. 

Head to head with the disappointment and devastation of not being where I wished to be, nor doing what I wanted, and not even feeling up to returning later on to creep in to the dim and desolate silence, finally sheds yet another perspective upon fragile Mortality.

NB. Backing up your computer – just DO it………….

As Scotland finds snow and low temperatures* are maintaining a vice-like grip, my computer has been rebuilt and I can now get online again……….. 

The hard drive turned up its toes in a terminal fashion just days before we went to Kirkcudbright for a brief holiday.  TH kindly arranged replacement surgery while we were away, and then dealt with loading of the many essentials and necessaries (what a kind and lovely guy he is), so now I am tracing lost email addresses, etc …….. and finding this requires more time and energy than is available  just now.  It all demonstrates, rather too well, that backing up your computer is never a waste of time………

(*Temperature of -10 degrees centigrade at 5pm this evening)