A Most Mighty Mystery

For much of my life, the ‘Easter Season’ has been a major focal point of my life.  Lent, Holy Week and so to Easter…….. a yearly recurrence with ecclesiastically structured prompts of silence and solitude to stop, review, reflect, assess and reassess ……  meeting myself……..who I am…… what I am……… where I am at ……..  Not an easy process, and rarely a comfortable or enjoyable undertaking.  But, sure as light follows darkness and eggs is eggs, this time of year seems to require of me a certain engagement with the essence of mortality…… a kind of ‘head to head’ with fundamental reality. 

For me, this Lent has involved a looking back over my shoulder, whispers from the past, glimpsed shadows of The Loved But Lost  who have passed on to eternity …….. renewed recognition that Water Passes Under The Bridge, and the twigs and ‘Pooh sticks’ of everyday existence catch in the reeds for a moment, then swirl away out of sight and into the far distance………….        The hopes and dreams of what the future just might hold fading in the harsh glare of Time’s headlights.

And so we reached Palm Sunday last weekend, then on into Holy Week. 

Today we approached the Maundy Thursday liturgy.  Stark contrasts of a rich sung mass (this year to be the Rheinberger setting) with the slightly embarrassing simplicity of feet being washed; the clash of fancy ornate robes and vestments with the everyday action of taking, breaking and sharing bread and wine.  So much Big, Bright, Shiny and Lavish……. and then the shocking and harsh removal of all our accustomed church furnishings and embellishments ……..  the solemn procession to a symbolic garden……. and then a darkened, chastened church…… and silent vigil …. the waiting for the end of it …….

So it would be, as so many times before.  The rituals stirring up the hearts and minds and feelings of the assembled congregation in so many ways……. some engrossed in the act of worship…….  others just there for the music….. some appalled at the time it was all taking…….    others perplexed by the sheer drama……. Tumultuous, as at Gethsemane.

So it would be, and, I guess, so it was. 

TH has been floored by an ‘upper respiratory tract infection’ for the last two weeks or so, sore throat, hacking cough, sleepless nights, papertrail of tissues…….. not a chance for him of singing the glorious Rheinberger this time. 

Ten days behind him, finally feeling flesh succumbing to the inevitable last Sunday,  I thought I would at least manage to be a part of the assembly tonight.  Rehearsing tonight I realised this hope was futile.  The voice was strained, and though in tune (so far as the dull deaf ear could tell) was probably not particularly pleasant and doubtless far from reliable. Risk assessment  for the occasion indicated strategic withdrawal was mandatory.

So I took the dog out to romp with her canine companions in the gathering dusk, marvelled at the beauty of first-laid eggs from our junior hens, and moped with my husband. 

Head to head with the disappointment and devastation of not being where I wished to be, nor doing what I wanted, and not even feeling up to returning later on to creep in to the dim and desolate silence, finally sheds yet another perspective upon fragile Mortality.

Staying Awake on a (late) Summer’s Afternoon

(With considerable difficulty, that is.....) 

These past few weeks have been hectic.  Hannimal Hector the new hound requires some serious behaviour modification, especially where golden Labradors are concerned.  Also in terms of basic handling (difficult to manage a dog with a cut paw if he doesn’t like his feet being touched), basic walking on a lead, relaxation when there’s more than one person in his company, and grooming. 

Who knows the ‘Why’ – perhaps inadequate basic handling when he was a puppy, perhaps an attack by a golden Labrador - but certainly all this needs to be remedied before we will have a dog we can even trust a little.  Dog Behaviourists appear to abound on the internet – tho credibility and qualification seem rather less available.  As the Dogs’ Trust have an in-house ‘behaviour advisor’, we have made arrangements and an appointment to gain guidance ASAP, well aware that we may inadvertently be presenting conflicting or inconsistent demands without realizing that we are so doing. 

In the longer term we are planning to attend Dog-person Training Classes (aware that these occasional signs of aggression need to be a thing of the past by then) and hope that occasional forays towards Agility Classes may be good for body and mind (as these sessions appear to clash with choir rehearsals, he’ll have to make do with ‘occasional’ I’m afraid).

Get-along-ability with the Feline Fella is making (rather slow but) steady progress – lots of space-sharing (initiated by cat, including managing to spend the night in the dog’s kitchen when ChickPea was away), and respectful nose-to-nose sniffing (initiated by both dog and by cat).

Today a new sleeping place has come into the house.  Bought for Dog, (as we will be going away on for a few nights’ holiday and a moveable ‘known’ bed seems like a good idea to help Dog cope with more new experiences) Cat was into it just moments after it was accessible, checked it out carefully and pronounced that it could stay. Surprisingly he then settled elsewhere, allowing Dog to take possession.

Peace has now settled upon us – TH asleep on the sofa, Big Cat asleep on the chair, and Hector Hound snuggled into his new bed.  Disturbing the harmonious silence to initiate dog walk in the park can wait another five minutes........

Reluctant Christian

It occurs that maybe I mis-named this blog. Maybe I should re-name it the name of this post. ‘RC’, even. (Now, THAT might be fun – limitless potential for confusion - I’m sure I could find all sorts of interpretations of ‘RC’, eh .....)

So why didn’t I ? Come to that, why don’t I........... why won’t I ?

Part of it is the intervening history of this label ‘Christian’. Christ, the historical person, MUST have been quite a man. To have influenced individual people to such a degree that they gave their lives to take His teaching throughout the world and effect such an impact upon the globe, the Man Who Started It All MUST have been Quite A Man.

But also over the intervening hundreds – ok, thousands - of years , many, many crimes have been committed under the banner of ‘Christianity’. Do I REALLY want to be associated with such a history by embracing the label of ‘Christian’ ?

You see where I’m coming from ?

But what of ‘The Man’ – that astonishing figure that started it all – without the assistance of newspaper, TV or internet.

And what of the remarkable people – both males and females - who have been astonished, inspired and motivated to positively influence, astonish and inspire the world – all through their own personal understandings and encounters with ‘The Man’. Many of whom gave up their lives because they refused to deny this faith.

Maybe I do feel reluctant – and perhaps scared – to wear the label of ‘Christian’. If this means ‘being Christ-like’, seeing the world ‘with the eyes of Christ’, caring as passionately about the world as did ‘The Man’ himself, extending love to those who need love - then rather a lot seems to be required.

So – REJECT all this ‘church’ and ‘Christ’ stuff - why bother with the whole ‘Christianity’ thing at all ?

Well....... there’s the heart of the question. Try as I have through the years to turn away from this way of life, the integral demands involved, the personal questions and challenges raised........... Try as I may, turn and run.....wherever........however............. whatever.......... I keep meeting the essential truth and challenge of ‘The Man’.......Christ himself........... and repeatedly encounter that amazing love that will not let you go..........

‘Reluctant Christian’ ? ........ Too right. But, somehow, and equally, ‘Committed Christian’.

Re. (1) Wrestling With Dragons, and (2) Being Still.......

A second run of the ‘Exploring Prayer’ course started at the church this last weekend. I’d intended joining the first one, but was just starting the new job at that time, and didn’t apply in time for the well-oversubscribed series. This was probably A Good Thing, as any new job demands time and energy and application. A new focus on prayer at that time would probably have been a Step Beyond both where I was at or able to be....... realistically.

Last week was not an easy one. Now into the fifth month of the no longer so ‘new’ job. The honeymoon is over. I guess that entering this area of territory is inevitable at this stage of a job change of any sort, and hopefully indicates positive elements of ‘Engaging With The Journey Involved’ and ‘Making Progress’. Maybe...

General scenario of the job is that I work with two (jobshare) High Heidyun’ Bosses, and a full-time deputy boss. One of these is fantastic to work with, one is willing to listen (sometimes - seems likely we’ll find a mutually acceptable and satisfactory working relationship). For the third one I RAPIDLY need to find coping strategies to ensure my survival. (In the middle of last week I seriously lost the will to live, let alone to keep tramping onwards).

In consequence, part of each week is jus’ great, fulfilling and increasingly satisfying, and part of each week is fairly horrid.

The Twosome HHBs each work three days, overlapping midweek, and – I guess – both trying to fit a full five-day working week into the three days available.........

The Deputy Dawg appears to have the dog’s own tasks of ‘making good’ the whole caboosh, meeting both his own task list and agenda, and ‘being there’ for the HHBs and for the office staff (two if fully staffed). Elderly Parents is a factor too. I understand something of that......

Much of the office function is achieved through the Awesome Efforts of a committed team of volunteers, currently somewhat stretched in number, with ongoing recruitment and training being integral to office business. In addition, I encounter probably about seventy other folk who regularly pass through the office each week needing administrative support and assistance, and these are all – I think without exception – very lovely people, and all a joy to work with, for and alongside. (No – I didn’t say ‘perfect’ – but then which of any of us could claim that accolade ?). And, too, there are the clients, prime focus of the whole endeavour, who arrive, phone in or otherwise require some time and attention.

There. The scene is set. Not an overwhelming demand, all in all, and the entire reason that there is a job to fill in the first place. A Fine Job. A Good Job. A Job Worth Doing (in my estimation).

So, stepping back to view the landscape, the picture is generally a good one. Working difficulties with one, well, one-and-a-half people out of a working total of approximately a hundred a week, is probably not too bad........ statistically speaking, that is.........

My Dragons crept out from under the rock-solid personal view that I was – presumably – given the job on the strength of my past experience and demonstrated previous ability, personality and potential to both fulfil the current and anticipated requirements of the job. At interview, I understood from what was said by both HHBs, that they were keen to gain my insights and energy to assist ongoing accomplishment and forward progress.

This last week I was gobsmacked to receive fundamental criticisms of both my basic personality and of my semiconscious stress responses......... (yup - yet another infection again at the beginning of the week, then the usual episodes of extreme to near overwhelming demand on the office brought the Stress Dragon into play too).

There also appeared to be the assumption that I needed - and should accept as valid - precise dictatorial directives re how to perform really quite basic tasks (despite many others repeatedly complimenting me on both satisfactory and sometimes exemplary task fulfilment within strictures of resources). The concept of accepting that this HHB – who I respect enormously – considers it right and acceptable to take such a stance in making such criticism, produced billowing smoke and fire-breathing monsters in my head. Especially when said criticism was described as ‘Support’..... and any attempt by Muggins Me to advance any discussion was criticized as evidence of ‘Problems Accepting Authority’.

I fully appreciate that there are many personal and professional demands upon each of us, and that these may – appropriately or inappropriately – impinge upon our various working relationships.

I am also sure that I am unlikely to effect any significant change in working practice with this Dragon, who is co-incidentally of the previous generation, set up the office in the first instance (many years ago), and clearly carrying demanding responsibilities for the place.

As you may have gathered, all this stuff from last week was very much to the forefront of my awareness as the ‘Exploring Prayer’ session started. This did not really feel like the ideal foot to be standing on, as you may suppose, work issues demanding attention, trying to clarify the personal issues and questions involved, and clearly needing some immediate personal coping strategies. Attending to ‘Prayer of Awareness’ seemed a little unnecessary..........

As well as a certain amount of necessary talking about prayer, ‘Quiet ‘ tends to be a feature of a gathered group’s prayer experience.

Hhhhhmmmmmmmmnnn.........

‘Quiet’ can be amazing. ‘Space’ can be helpful. Things can well up from unexpected places, and may come into focus. Tears are a common factor within prayer for some people. Phrases may arise, maybe with a relevance to daily life.

Over the last few years I have encountered the phrase “What Would Jesus Do ?” This has felt something of a personal stumbling block, partly re. Cool Phraseology, partly through ‘Jesus’ /’sibling’ tensions as opposed to ‘God’/’parent’/comfort perceptions. Over this last weekend, this formerly irritating phrase has been buzzing around my head, and changed to become more of a gentle prompt and support. The search for the relevant question to address seems to have found a solution.

My own current Question appears to be ‘How do I proceed?’. The answer to WWJD? appears to be ‘Prayer’.....

Life is a Learning Process..........

Naming the Game

Hello. Two days ago was sunny – one of the most fabulous and sunniest days that Glasgow has seen in a while. A fine day. A glorious day. A Good To Be Alive day. Even, maybe, a “Good To Be Me” day. My thoughts turned to blogging............... an’ I thought it wiz about time I admitted to still being here.

My energies of the last too many months have been somewhat channelled towards seeking employment – and over the last several weeks, devoted to assimilation of the new job requirements.

And are these demanding ? Thank you for asking. Demanding, yes – but not in the “saving lives in ITU” league – Thank Goodness. No one is likely to step prematurely into The Next Realm if I don’t do this job well enough. That Responsibility, Those Jobs are Now Done By Others. Thank Goodness.

I think I’m only just beginning to really recognize the cost involved in carrying such responsibility for so long. When I first took up the reins of the post I remember hoping that I’d recognize when the time arrived to move on.

I loved the people I cared for.......and yes, for me it was right to weep with those who wept and rejoice with those who rejoiced.........and, as a dedicated professional, I learnt to leave each bedside and go refreshed and new to the next, meeting each as an individual needing a unique and considered approach. I loved the staff I worked with........... well, most of them ........being human I met some I found difficult, and one in particular with whom I did not find a satisfying working relationship. This still imparts sadness.

I was totally committed to the requirements of the role. I hated the politics, and as I got older I began to struggle with the hours and energy which were consumed. I think I did recognize something of this – but I couldn’t see a way out.......... or a way forward.......... or sideways, or back, for that matter. It was going to be a difficult process, by whatever path..........

Thank you, BlogVisitor, for visiting, for being around, and sharing something of the rough and smooth of the path which has been involved. The blogging community have been so very supportive – especially over the long weeks and months of unemployment. I would never have expected such kindness and encouragement............. from generous folk from all over the world. Thank you. Thank you so much.

And now – where is ChickPea now ? Ah well, there’s a question............

Two day ago, several times, in fact, in my new administrative post, I was momentarily aware that I was in a good place - the ‘right’ place, and doing the ‘right’ thing............. And it felt Good To Be Alive.

The learning curve involved in the new job continues, and much of the time it still feels as if I am carrying a big pile of dinnerplates while running into the wind across a steep shingle beach with waves crashing and the tide coming in fast....... struggling to keep balance........ and not fall............struggling to keep going............. trying to make progress and gain distance – whilst the tide was getting ever closer..........

But maybe I can look at this differently.........the winds are blowing, yes, and with unpredictable gusts from most unexpected directions...........and tide and waves are close and closing............I guess there’s an element here of ‘storm’ and a disciple losing heart whilst Christ sleeps in the boat..........

A steep shingle beach is certainly not the easiest of surfaces to run across............... but maybe what’s actually happening is that I really am All At Sea - and learning to windsurf............. !

Aha – what would an analyst make of that, then, eh ? A very typical life experience, I guess, but somehow, when it’s the one you’re in yourself, it can be quite difficult stepping back far enough from the wood so that you can see the trees.......... and feel the sunshine on your face again.............

I’m sitting here with the Catlet resting on my left hip and reaching across the keys to both Help n Hinder.

He’s a Fine Fellow, this Bart. He doesn’t fill either of his predecessors’ shoes of course – my beloved white and tabby Judith was a most dedicated CompanionCat, and The PoppyCat too was One In A Million – like each and every one of us. Special, and unique, and totally irreplaceable. And every life has room for at least one more...........

Each day the young Bartholomew grows a bit more in size and stature, and finds new things – real or imaginary – to chase, or challenge, or ambush.........or to snuggle up to.............It may be tall, bipedal and bearing food............ or four legged, black and white, and with Big Teeth.............. BUT ...........Everything Is Fun..........Everything has the potential to Be Great..........and young Bart shows us, time and again, that if you approach it sideways......... and especially if you divert its attention and take charge of it almost Anything CAN be transformed............. ‘dull’ can become ‘shiny’.............. ‘boring’ can be realigned to be ‘exciting’.......... even just a leaf can be THE most EXCITING THING EVER.......... it just All Depends On HOW You Can Take It By Surprise.....

Perspective. Attitude. Imagination. Trust. Focus. Commitment. Enthusiasm. Love. Daring..............

Who would have thought that such a small Catlet-Kitten-Thing could show us so very much in so few weeks?

Maybe there’s more in young BartholoMew’s name than meets the eye, eh?

A NEW Laptop.......

And a whole new learning curve.

BUT – it mostly connects to the Internet on the FIRST attempt, and it tends to STAY CONNECTED !

Wheeeeeeee !

(If you have been in this situation you will understand the excitement………. And the frustration ! )

ChickPea will be around again soon.

An evening - and a morning - with Auntie.......

Last night’s exercise was to entertain Auntie’s Argonauts – that intrepid band from Auntie who quest to produce The Ultimate Sunday Morning Service for the airwaves……...

Yup. The Cathedral is hosting Radio 4’s Sunday morning’s broadcast service this week – ‘twill be Matins (kerumbs – I have to dust off the memory banks to recall last time Chickpea sang Matins – was it at Salisbury in the days of the RSCM Cathedral Course ? Or was it in 1990, visiting all the (main) Cathedrals of Scotland in 24 hrs, singing a service in each, being Matins in both Oban and Inverness (different music for each service ? _ but OF COURSE !), Eucharist in Aberdeen, Evensongs (full choral OF COURSE – weren’t they ALL ?) in Perth and Dundee, with Complines in both Edinburgh and back home in Glasgow – under the scaffolding, and singing ‘The day Thou Gavest Lord, is ended’ – with n’er a dry eye in sight (NB - a 24 hour feat never yet repeated ! – come on next generation !!) – don’t believe me ? - visit Mr Lay Clerk’s blog to see the photographic record of the intrepid choristers involved !)

Anyway. Notwithstanding. So there they were, sorting out ‘timings’ last night, at the regular choir practice, rather than the usual ‘day before’ routine becos there’s an RSCM gathering in the place tomorrow. Sound levels, etc will all need to be sorted out on the day - roll on 7am !

So – if you’d like to invite TH and ChickPea into your home on Sunday morning, all you need do is tune in to Radio 4 at 8.10am. (Or surf the internet and visit the BBC website – either then for ‘Listen Live’, or during the seven days following for ‘Listen Again’ /Radio 4 Sunday morning service – available worldwide !)

Seriously, though, it’ll probably be The Provost preaching, and his sermons are usually well worth being awake to hear – visit the Cathedral’s website at http://www.thecathedral.org.uk/ and find out for yourself !

Have a great day !

Led by the Spirit indeed......

ChickPea found another kindred spirit today….. well, ‘re-found’, ‘re-encountered’. (Amazing what you can find when/if you look, eh !) TWO posts on his blog since she’d last sought him – a wealth of words and heaps to consider, loads to want to answer. But a ‘learned reader’ she is not. How on earth to respond to the question, “Should we always respond to the Holy Spirit ?”……….. but even if his blog’s ‘comments’ seemed inadequate a forum for beginning to address this, would the question go away ? Indeed not………it fizzed and frothed in Chickpea's head........

So let’s see what we can find in ChickPea’s kitchen……..what insights can be found amongst the various ingredients, stirrings and splashes from today’s soufflé……..

Steven says, in his blog 'Searching for God', “The Holy Spirit. Should we always respond to the Holy Spirit? What does it feel like in the life of the Christian to first recognise the Spirit and then to respond in submission to it? I think I am familiar with the first issue. I know, I think, what it feels like to feel the Spirit move me. Sometimes, especially when faced with someone else's pain or poverty I feel a desire to do something. I feel not just compassion but a desire to turn the compassion into an action. For example, I was walking to the train station from work. A sad homeless man shuffled along in front of me. He was wearing an old suit and white trainers. His face was cut up. He was carrying a cup of coffee and stopped to pick up what appeared to be a small coin. I wanted to stop and take this man for a proper dinner, to feed him properly and make him feel like a human being. I also wanted to go home, get my own dinner and relax after a bruising day in court. What did I do? Well I ignored the Holy Spirit of course and justified it by saying I did not know if the man was drunk or sober. I know it brings to mind a middle-class slushy teenage sense of Christian ethics but it is perhaps helpful to ask, "What would Jesus do?"

Indeed. What WOULD Jesus do…….? I know what ChickPea has done on oh, so many occasions……. Exactly the same as you, Steven. Now, putting aside the “Jesus” question, which I think diverts us from the real issue here, and to which I think we may already know an accurate answer…….. IS this action given here a ‘non-response’ ? – or is it a response, indeed, of ‘ignoring the Holy Spirit’ ? …… or of ‘declining’…. ‘refusing’…… ?

“Should we always respond to the Holy Spirit ?”. Can we, indeed, NOT respond in some way, if we have been aware in the first instance ? My own thoughts are that we usually DO respond to things…… maybe not as we would like to, however. We may ignore, or refuse, or only partially respond as we feel called to respond. Sometimes we are just not up to the task, nor ready to seek the strength to enable us to respond in such a way. Maybe it will cost us too much…….. the money, the energy, the time, the love that we just do not feel capable of giving. It may be a cop out, but I consider all of these as parts of ‘the human condition’, part of being a son or daughter of ‘Adam’ and the inheritance of ‘sin’ which comes along with this package, and which is intrinsic to my very cellular composition……

Hence my need for redemption, for being saved from being the ‘less-than-ideal’ me, and transformed, through the Love of God and the example as well as the sacrifice of Christ, into ‘The-Me-That-I-Was-Created-To-Be’……… the Me that will be so much more than I can ever be on my own, and that will be so very MUCH ‘Me’………. Not ‘someone else’ – but Me.

And maybe, just maybe, trying to respond positively to the Holy Spirit in the opportunities that arise along the way will gradually assist and effect the personal growth, that transformation, that Can Be. That the original ‘Redemption’ has made possible. That is always there, awaiting the positive response. That with love – the Love of God – the Love of Others – even my own feeble and faltering Love that allows me to try and respond of a time – Can Achieve the unbelievable.

Well ? Well ?!! Don’t just sit there ! Hide if you must – but what do YOU think ?

PS. Call round to Steven's blog here : http://stevenmcquitty.blogspot.com/

Of Wigits, Wotsits and Learning Curves

Grrrrrrrrr ! Grump ! Gurgh-umpf ! Sigh ! Fiddlesticks and Gross Exasperation !

Who Knows (and isn't telling) - but maybe the intricacies (even basics would do for a start) of Blog layout (ok - 'design') will one day be unravelled by ChickPea…….tho 'Not Yet', you already understand........

Maybe - just maybe - the ‘widgets’, ‘feedjits’, 'whodunnits', ‘howonearthyits’ and ‘wotsits’ will actually, eventually be understood, selected and published as intended (rather than happening as Explorations, appearing On Screen as unequivocal Accidents and Then Becoming Permanent and, like Japanese Knotweed, deep rooted and fixed here till everlasting…….)

Please - PLEASE - tell ChickPea - just HOW does an Ignorant Imbecillic Computer Nobody learn all this jargon, get a handle on what is possible, track down a ‘How The F To Do It’ guidebook and tools – and then…. p’raps…… manage to DO it ?

(By the way - answers do not need a postcard – post a ‘comment’ ……….)

Ponderings In The Park

ChickPea and Mr Mutt took TH to his work one morning recently, then they found a cheeky (and slightly illegal, we have to confess) parking place so that they could head off to the park for an hour before Morning Prayer (which might, perchance, offset the ‘illegal’ thing a little)……

The weather was dry, the sun was out – it was A Good Place To Be. A good place to buffer the body with a little exercise and buffer the spirit with Time Out.

They galloped a very little, ‘power walked’ a small little, walked fairly fast a lot. Stopped by to watch the ducks ….. including the very tall long-leggedy grey ‘duck’ with a very long pointy beak who was clearly really pretending not to be a heron (“Herons eat fish” he said when ChickPea asked him – “I’m eating bread, and I’m in a DUCK pond, so I must be a duck”)….. And then it was time to find a seat and cool down a little. Well, 2 seats as it transpired…..

The first seat was by the pond. In their wisdom, Those Who Did It positioned the seat to face the path and some bushes, ie. with back to the pond…(nuhr…) …so no chance of comfortable distraction and oblivion by watching the ducks then…….

So there they were, Mr Mutt and ChickPea, watching the world whiz by, variously on 2 feet, 4 feet and 2 wheels…. Distracting really……. Most distracting………. Increasingly and irritatingly distracting. Hence The Other Seat.

Now the Second Seat was a wee bit away from the beaten track, slightly up a slope, overlooking the river, and the university, and The Ways Of The World. Here, several paths converged – or diverged. Dependent upon your perspective. So, from Here you could see where these paths led – well, the first bit of the path anyway. So you could choose your way forward with a little enlightenment. Unlike the challenge of trying to identify Potentially Possible Paths in th’ ol’ “Life” context. ChickPea and Mr Mutt sat in the sunshine and Pondered………

Yesterday ChickPea and Mr Mutt kindof did much the same. Tho the day wasn’t. Maybe it was because yesterday was the Feast Day designated to Mary Magdalene. (That was a nice surprise).

But yesterday there was atmospheric dampness. The park was quiet. Mr Heron was pretending to be a garden statue. And there wasn’t a lot of pondering. In fact, ChickPea’s Head was remarkably quiet. Settled even. It seems like some of the re-filing has happened, some of the initial angst is maybe past, and some of The Dilemma isn’t anymore. Time Will Tell (but there, Time never could keep a secret).

But - tell me – this question remains - is something still a “choice” if you don’t see it or recognize it as such ? …… ChickPea can look back from this far distance to when she left school, and ponder the choices she made then….. and re-evaluate ... and Wonder Why she didn’t see the other options that were also there… that now seem so obvious, and maybe would have been attractive to choose….

But, if something is unrecognised / unidentified as An Option at that time, maybe it isn’t An Option at all …… What thoughts, blogreader ?

(C’mon – I dare you - have a ponder an’ share it with us – live Life On The Edge………)

Discerning The Time........

Now – what IS ChickPea on about this time ?

‘Discerning The Time’ … could be about the sun……. When Mr Mutt was out for his ‘early’ constitutional recently, the sun was well up, but had not yet reached the zenith. So I guess it must have still been ‘morning’. But getting any closer to digital accuracy would be tricky. Aye, Discerning The Time can be interesting, plus or minus a sundial.

Or it could be about ChickPea’s infamous watch….. An A**a Special (we’d better use the stated principle of Protecting The Innocent – even for A**a…) which cost ChickPea an extravagant £5 when previous watches had Given Up The Struggle or simply Wandered Off Elsewhere. The previous A**a Special was of analogue design, with clockface and hands ……. and a wee chappie on a surfboard (yup - kinda fun !) This yin is digital…….. and ChickPea finds herself doing mental gymnastics to re-visualize the figures as a face with hands…….. ‘cos rarely is she asking “What time is it ?” but “How long have I got till……” or (more often) “How late am I ?” This yin also has the irritating habit of engaging ‘reset’ mode at most inconvenient moments, so even a digital representation of the time is something of a surprise…... Aye, Discerning The Time can be challenging with a digital watch, too……..

Maybe she’s concentrating on ‘The Time’ because ‘The Way’ is actually the relevant question. Where on earth does she go from here ? Where and how will she find employment ? How will she pick up the current pieces and make them fit together in a gainful package ? How will she motivate herself to cope with it all ? Aye. A wee episode of Displacement, maybe. (And complete lack of Discernment of any sort at all).

Perhaps she’s bogged down in ‘Biological Clock’ stuff. That would certainly help explain some of the loopiness we’re seeing (according to ‘Grumpy Old Women’ programmes on UK TV).

Or maybe she’s gone metaphysical on us, and is alluding to Those Moments In Life when you find yourself drawn towards Another, and Wondering………”If I Should”……. or, “If I Might”…..… it may be someone you know, or someone you don’t know – but the dilemma can be similar………. sometimes The Time Is Right to reach out and give…… or to Open Communication Channels and drop the barriers and receive……… and sometimes The Time Is NOT Right, or not appropriate…….. Who Knows ? Aye, Discerning The Time can be most perplexing….

Or it could be that she is still going over and over and over in her heart concerning the unfolding of timing regarding DJ’s re-location of living circumstances into Permanent Residential Care……..

Aye. ‘Discerning The Time’……a dilemma…… and I guess sometimes, despite determination….. you just can’t.…. for yourself. Sometimes you just have to Trust Others, knowing that their ‘outside insights’ are shared thoughtfully, kindly, carefully……… with Love For All Concerned.

Who Knows. (That Immortal ‘Who’ again….)

'Discerning The Time'. What are your experiences and insights ?

Kenny's Gauntlet.........

“So, will this same sex relationship between the chooks be recognised and blessed by the Church?” Methinks I discern within this recent comment arising out of the last blogpost a gauntlet flung down before us............

(Consults The Dictionary : "Church - the collective body of all Christians" )

So – us – us wot identify ourselves as ‘Christians’ by alignment with our understanding of Christ Himself and Holy Teachings - WE could recognize, affirm and bless………… but WILL we ?

....or DO some of us already ? (Is the Church already in dissention on this matter ?)

And is the question restricted to ‘same sex relationship’ ? (Chooks or not)

Is the question perhaps more extensive - about the celebration and affirmation of mutuality ?

(I kinda like this word – it’s a new word to me, but if my understanding is correct, a long cherished concept).

The Dictionary Again: “Mutual – experienced or expressed by each of two or more people about the other; reciprocal ; ……common to or shared by both”. I note that Kelvin’s use of the word seems to embrace a positive affirmation, acceptance and validation of each for the other as well. And this seems to me to get to the very heart of relationship (small ‘r’ intended ) – this is not just about marriage, or committed partnerships, but about all positive, effective, validatory, affirmative relationships…….. I include those more often termed ‘friendship’. Maybe ‘working relationships’ as well. And it perhaps overspills too into everyday life….

If even every passing verbal contact is a simple relationship, and I can invest each and every such contact with an understanding of affirmation, acceptance and validation – what effect could just I achieve…… ? And if the wider Church Universal would consider and practice this – THEN what effect could be achieved ? (Do you ever make real bread ? – yeast and ‘leavening’ came to mind, and the Church’s Given Mission Statement to be leaven in the dough/the world…..)

Religion and Faith start having some sort of a reason – a purpose - now.

If even the very stones of our temporal church buildings accept and rely on the validity of each other, and have stood firm over the years, accepting and transcending the current dissents and disagreements of The Time, surely Holy common sense can teach us /The Church today Tolerance and Acceptance – even tho Agreement may decline to join the party ? Our supposedly esteemed Church leaders could maybe sit quietly and Learn Basics at the feet of The Christ – The One who would, and did, tear down and rebuild ‘the stones of the temple’ in three days as I recall…….

What an exciting prospect for the Lambeth Conference……..

That Holy common sense might prevail imparts Hope…… and if, perchance, Holy common sense did prevail in the extended church it would be Miraculous Indeed…… but it might just need a bit more Love than The Church Temporal is actually willing to acknowledge/accept/practice…….

What do YOU think ?

Weighty Matters

DJ is no lightweight (The Falls Prevention Team weighed him about 6 months ago and pronounced him too heavy – but, honestly, is it really appropriate to put a 95 year old on a weight-loss diet ? He always loses weight whenever he is in Respite anyway, like 4 holes-worth of his trouser belt - so it was reassuring to think that with a wee bit extra of him there might be something of him left to get home after such ‘breaks’ away).

But as you have gathered from previous postings, he’s been falling a lot over the last few weeks. Like 2-3 times every night. Getting him up off the floor at 2am is not easy. But it’s not just the weight factor. He increasingly does the exact opposite of what you have asked him to do, or otherwise does the most unhelpful thing you can think of. Now we KNOW this isn’t intentional – that it is yet another aspect of his dementia - but at 2am in the morning it just made the whole situation so very much more difficult…….

The last few nights before he went into Respite were essentially ‘good nights’. Only had to scrape him off the floor twice between 9pm and 7am……. Somehow he has evaded severe injury….. Somehow, so have we…. Though TH has an almost permanently bad back, and despite ChickPea’s back easing off when she stopped working for the NHS, there have been twinges…… and now, with DJ still away in extended Respite, her back is being very troublesome indeed…….

Meantime, back to the main topic. ChickPea herself would very much like to Whittle Weight Off Own Waist. (what waist…?..). We are gradually managing it with Mr Mutt, who became decidedly podgy for a while – and he is now bouncing much more often when he’s out for his constitutionals. (See him this morning – WOW !) ChickPea had hoped the regular exercise would do it for her too – but no…………. Meantime PK has proven that weight loss is possible and done an incredibly good job in trimming down. Looks great and seems to have settled now into his new shape (tho not sure if he’s bouncing like Mr Mutt). Quite Inspirational. Had hoped it might be a ‘catching’ thing…….. but no sign of it so far……….

In ChickPea’s teens/twenties/even thirties she had absolutely NO difficulties with ‘overweight’ or even 'minor flab'. Now it just won’t budge.

Any handy hints/ top tips ?

A Second Gauntlet.......

Kenny reckoned I’d thrown down a gauntlet with my ‘A-Z’ challenge. So here’s another to get the neurones whirring……….

“Describe yourself in 4 words” ..........OK ..... 6 if you must………

Last week I think I would have had to say “Tired, grumpy, frustrated and anxious”……….. But then on Sunday night DJ started to sleep a little better, and this continued both Monday and Tuesday nights. Last night he was away to ‘Respite’ – so TH and ChickPea awoke after an unbroken sleep of 8 hours – WOW !

“So describe yourself today, ChickPea, in 4 words”……..

I will – but I’m still working on it……..