Just a Moment........

What a moment that was for Mr Mutt yesterday. Pity it didn’t prevent the moment that happened later, when he tried to bite The Hand That Feeds Him. It was a very near miss – no blood flowed – but previous trust was shaken to the core, and all in all, a great disappointment overwhelmed us. We thought we were moving forward, but THAT moment raised the old spectres again.

Life is full of moments. And maybe, when we get to the end of it, we will look back and feel a whole lifetime is but A Moment. It only took a moment to sign up for the many who lost their lives in the world-and-subsequent-wars. And for those who Gave Most And Got Little Thanks. And but a Moment for a Life To Pass On.

This is Remembrance Day, and I am so sad that now so many of Those Who Survived have gone, NOW the media is screening so very very many programmes about the conflicts…old film footage……. insights and revelations of mishap and mayhem….…. So much that could have helped Those Who Have Now Gone to find a point of inner resolution, of personal forgiveness, of peace. So many must have been like my Dad, unable to speak of most of their experiences of The Conflict - perhaps fearful of recrimination or condemnation from the generation who followed who had so much in consequence, but understood so little – and who could understand even less when so much was contained, withheld, bottled up. And now it is too late to offer consolation, to offer Love and Understanding. But never too late to gain understanding...........

It was good to Share The Sacrament of Silence of those sacred minutes on Sunday. For A Sacrament Silence Is (or can be). Unnamed as such by The Church maybe, but Sacrament nonetheless. Good that the church now again accepts and embraces the mysticism and ‘magic’ of silence within liturgy. Our services had got very ‘busy’. In trying to be relevant to our daily lives, services not only reflected but became that very same busyness……. And forgot To Reflect. But now we are again given the sacraments of space and silence – and of Refection - and this is good.

ChickPea tried for those moments of silence again today – but as waiting for a jobseeking-related appointment kind of intervened, the moment passed. In her early schooldays she recalls that life would stop for those minutes – traffic would stop, radio would cease, a local bell - or a foghorn, or similar local loud noise – would signal start and finish of the Time for Silence. The Eleventh Hour of the Eleventh Day of the Eleventh Month……….

Many moments have passed. Many more will happen – are happening even now. Good Things, Bad Things. Good – even Best of – Times, and Worst of Times. Some happen Somewhere Else. Some happen to us. Some we share. Some we will never ever be aware of, even when they happened right next to us or around us. Some Moments we have caused to happen, and some we did not prevent, or make recompense for…………Some Good Moments we withheld.

“Just a Moment” ChickPea’s Mum was reported to say, as she passed on. No warning. No time to say more. A while ago now, and many moments have happened along the way since then. Each precious. So precious. Most unmarked, unnoticed. Yet special, and very precious – especially those very mundane or ‘normal’ moments that allow us to breathe, relax, rest, recouperate. Sacredness of the Present Moment.

Take a Moment. Share a Moment. Give a Moment. Even "Just" a Moment. For you.

Running in front of the wind

Mr Mutt and ChickPea were out in the local park this morning, it being that time of the day and Mr Mutt requiring his constitutional. Light levels were dull, very dull. The clouds were low. ‘Overcast’ and ‘blustery’ were words that might describe the weather. Mr Mutt’s eyes were shining, and he was clearly looking for an excuse (or an order) to run. “I’m a sheepdog”, he seemed to be saying “I need to run”.

This is perhaps the first time he has been so open and direct with ChickPea – up until now it has been the apologetic sideways look, with a certain reluctance to go anywhere other than firmly (hmmmmnn......, ‘doggedly’ might be more accurate) by the side. Occasionally a certain, “I suppose I could go over there a bit if you really don’t want me”. Or the opposite - a rather bolshy attitude of doing his own thing regardless (“who do you think you are – I don’t need you”). But rarely this near-Happy, apparently Relaxed and Getting On With Life ‘Cos It’s OK. Freedom. Not yet the sort of ‘joyous’ that ChickPea associates with a settled and happy dog. But much, much closer than we’ve seen since he came to live with us in September 2006. Now 26 months ago.

It’s all progress. It is good. Sunshine would have been wonderful – but was not to be then. But now – ah, yes – NOW there is a hint of sunlight creeping through the clouds. (Perhaps going out for the shopping will be next on ChickPea’s Agenda).

And Mr Mutt ? Tired, shining eyes, happy smile, wet, muddy and flopped out in the kitchen.

Yes. Mr Mutt ran……and ran………and ran………….and…….ran.

Re-View

Lots happening. Rowan Williams. Sunshine. All Saints. All Souls. ‘Thin stuff’. Chewy stuff. Ingredients for The Kitchen. Much of it currently half-baked. Still cooking. And yes, there’s probably currants in the mixture as well. And a chicken or two……….

Tired........

Very tired tonight. Another interview today – not a post that ChickPea wanted to go for, but the Powers That Be (and that can influence The Allowance) were very very keen (well insistent, really) that her CV go in for this one. She feared repercussions if she refused…… (And a bit dischuffed - after all, an average of an interview a month doesn’t seem too bad over these past 3.5 months since Unemployment moved in. And 18 applications submitted over the 14 weeks as well. OK – no room for complacency, but not really needing the sort of kick up the wotsit and compromise of personal integrity that this has all felt like. . ….. )

So they put it in (was due in when Jury Duty was happening, was found just about the day before and she really had no opportunity to do it by the deadline).

Herself was not keen for an interview for a job she doesn’t feel suited for .... and, guess what ? (Ha ! But of course ! )

So – re-jig the brain: decide to be pleased to have got to interview ….. and commit to it…..determine to give it a best shot and be as honest to self as possible……

(but what if offered ? – go with the flow - a job is a job, after all, and pennies ........engage with dilemmas over that if it ever happens)…….

Trouble is, all the other applications ARE, in fact, jobs she’d really like and want to commit to……….

Anyway. So what happened ? Interviewers at the end of their afternoon who seemed to think it was all a bit of a joke, really…… (we all waited and expressed concern while the interviewer couldn’t read her questions and fussed about her contact lenses)…….. And despite best shot, ChickPea didn’t really feel she’d got a clear sight of the target, so it all came out rather woolly, really. Disappointing feeling. Didn’t feel like ‘her best’. Never mind. Maybe it means future engagement with this one won’t have to happen…. Expect to hear by the end of next week……. With a second stage scheduled for mid-November for successes from today…….. (So time for other things to show up in the interim…….)

But see the amount of energy this has consumed in preparation, not sleeping and not getting other things done…….

Not the best start to the evening. No matter. If she ever wondered why she Cathedral Sings, ChickPea knew something of ‘why’ tonight. Not the most inspiring of repertoire either, nor the greatest of rehearsals, and most of us seemed somewhat jaded. But there was still That Something that carried her through the evening to an OK place.

And tomorrow……… what tomorrow ? There’s a few possible jobs left from the last search……. and the requirement to scour the newspapers at the local library and computer search again at the jobcentre….. so let’s see if she can get another application in before the weekend………..

Caring for the carers......

ChickPea, TH, Ms Mog, Mr Mutt and Myna and Moe got back to the big city last night, in the same rain that loads of other people were getting too. Myna and Moe, two more very beautiful hens to bring our wee flock to four, had only just joined the family during the afternoon, but the rest of the gang had spent a few days in Dumfriesshire, at a fabulous cottage surrounded by sheep, where you can see the local beach and sea from bedroom, conservatory and bathroom, and where ‘dark’ at night really does mean ‘dark’. A few days with including enough wind to blow away most cobwebs, enough rain to wash away accumulated dust, enough sunshine (YES – REALLY !) to lift the spirits aloft to fly with the local red kites, and enough sleep to allow both Rest and Recuperation to join the party. Yes, a few very good days, thank you.

The process continues.......

Bereavement and grieving being the process in question. You think you’re doing well, and have moved on to the next chapter of your life – and something grabs you by the ankle and suddenly you feel crumpled in a heap like so many autumn leaves.

Life in the ChickPea household rumbles on, and you would think DJ both gone and forgotten……… But the dreams prove otherwise. Last night was a case in point. One of those dreams which is so so vivid you can hardly believe you have awoken when you do awake. So real.

ChickPea dreamt she’d woken, got up, gone down the road to the regular Thursday morning Eucharist. Dreamt she got there surprisingly early (ChickPea doesn’t do ‘Early’ !) – so met up with TH for a coffee – all in astonishing technicolour and 3-D – in fact, absolutely all the normal detail and sensations of everyday life – then she suddenly realized she couldn’t remember where DJ was – why wasn’t he along too for the service ? – she then realized she couldn’t remember getting him up for the day, or even giving him his breakfast – he would be hungry, and upset, and alone and still in his bed - in fact, couldn’t remember where he was sleeping – knew his bed at home had not been slept in for days, but he wasn’t in a residential home either – so where on earth was he – was he on his own at home ? - what had she done with him ? – where and why had she left him abandoned ? - where to look for him even ? - (she did have a feeling he wouldn't be at home, but it seemed the best place to start looking) - so she tore off home in a great panic, distressed and angry with herself because she had been so totally thoughtless and devoid of normal care and consideration, and completely unable to speak to even TH about it as she dashed away……… and it was all just a dream…….. but so so real………

Strange, isn’t it.

Well - another Wednesday

ChickPea had hoped that she’d be more adept at re-wording the CV by now. But no – has taken all morning again today, just like Monday. There again, I guess she’d hoped to have solved the unemployment hole in her life by now so’s CV-manipulation would no longer be necessary……. And headaches aren’t helping. (They recede at times, so I doubt if it’s anything other than rather horrid).

So here we are. Unsuccessful outcome to last week’s interview. (Thank you for your kind enquiry Fr K). Nothing further from the other two applications that were submitted at the same time.

SIX more applications submitted so far this week – 2 by the kind person at the jobseeker support place (cos I was unavailable yesterday at the critical moment to further re-jig the layout and submit), another 2 sent off last night at some unseemly hour (and wondering why ChickPea has a headache, eh…), and a further 2 today…….. This now brings her to a grand total of sixteen applications over the 14 weeks of Jobseeking, so a current average of just over 1/week (lucky ChickPea is not applying for accountancy-type jobs, eh !!). As she’s away Monday-Friday next week, and avoids doing job applications at a w/e if she can, this average is unlikely to stay at such a giddy height……. But maybe still a few more ‘possibles’ to get to grips with before she goes away on Monday………

Currently needing to clear the head, scoff some supper, polish the determination and aim to get to bed at a sensible hour………. ironing, washing up, hoovering and tidying will just have to wait a bit longer. (And no – ChickPea doesn’t do ‘dusting’………)

Life is all tangled up with ‘Jury Duty’ this week – ChickPea phoned last Friday and found she was not required for Monday ( Yay !), hence working on CVs for submission on closing date of Tuesday. But the phonecall Monday night confirmed the trek to the High Court was required on Tuesday (hence non-availability for final re-jigging of CVs and submission – thanks again to Kind Person). Finally got home just after midday, not selected. (Again)

Curious, isn’t it, how these things bombard your psyche. The great relief of not having to Do The Public Duty after all, and not have to wrestle with the sordid details of alleged incidents that should never have happened had there been appropriate respect and consideration. And THEN, unaccountably, the ridiculous sideswipe of “they don’t want me either”…….. chain up the lions and gird up the loins………..

Last Saturday, the chooks’ accommodation was re-arranged to provide better wintering quarters (no more paddling across a flooded lawn to shut their door at night ! – no, now they can be reached from the house !!!!). They appear content with the changes – certainly there wasn’t the hullabaloo on Monday morning that occurred Sunday when they confronted the day and found their world had changed dramatically. (This was a pity, because the folks upstairs consequently overslept on Monday………….). But tonight – Wednesday – it feels like we’ll get a frost, so the chookies have been shut in for the night, hoping the two of them’ll be a bit warmer. They huddle together to sleep, all very endearing, but probably still a bit chilly in the rather larger than necessary house. (But better for our backs…… yes, the final decision re ‘whch one’ was all down to design considerations). Hoping to get another two chooks on the way home from hols next week (no – we haven’t told the neighbours !) – four of them together should be warmer.

Meantime, Autumn has happened over the last 2 days of rain. ChickPea had been hoping to take sequential photos of the staggering changes of leaf hue when out with Mr Mutt each morning……. but her photographic abilities do not stretch to keeping a camera dry if out in a monsoon. And the vast majority of the leaves are now down. Winter approaches.