We had expected Life To Be Different Without DJ. But hadn’t expected these overwhelming feelings of grief and loss, and the complete and utter dis-order of Life Turned Upside-Down……..
We all slipped quite gently into living together, several years ago. DJ was getting more lonely in his Northern Town about 400 miles away from TH and ChickPea. He enjoyed his holidays down to visit them. Truth be told, he wasn’t really feeding himself so well on his own, and he was getting a bit scared living alone. For TH and ChickPea there was little Impact On Life Here initially. DJ was independent and self-caring, ate with them, sat with them, watched TV with them, conversed a little. Didn’t want to go out much, but enjoyed coming along to church and sitting away up the back while his son and daughter-in-law sang with the choir towards the sharp end. Life was ok. A bit tight for space, maybe, because a 2-bedroomed house with too much clutter doesn’t allow much room for manoeuvre. But we got by…..
As changes crept in, so Life Accommodated. When DJ stopped bothering to eat on his own, the Support Team started to visit. When he got lonely on his own all day, he started going to a Day Centre. The Space Factor was dealt with by a purpose-built bedroom with an ensuite wetfloor shower room. When he forgot it was night time, he had a notice by his bed to remind him. Life accommodated so gently to start with we hardly noticed. The downhill slope was so very gradual, then.
When he developed the need for 24-hr care in September 2006, ChickPea stopped working to keep him company. She thought DJ would continue at home for at least 4-5 years yet......
ChickPea looks back now, and can hardly believe that the recent precipice was so hidden from sight. This crash was not expected yet. Sudden unforeseen loss of life maybe, a kind and gentle visit from the Grim Reaper in the depths of a night…… but not this catastrophic loss of sleeping and ‘domino-effect’ health deterioration. ChickPea had hoped we could continue until at least the end of the summer months. All kind of ‘civilized’ and kind of ‘manageable’. If only…... but some things you cannot control…….
DJ appears as well as can be expected, really. Residential Homes have the security of warmth, company, routine, absolutely and completely predictable mealtimes. Not too much unpredictability. He has been quite settled when ChickPea has visited this week. Calm, not Anxious or Fretful (these latter 2 Fearfuls had become regular companions for DJ here at home). Talking a little, seeming to accept honest answers to questions, managing to play dominoes with a little assistance. And he is clean, quite tidy, cared for. A few nights of falls and not sleeping, but that is as it has been recently. More than six weeks without full sleep wasn't going to be survivable for any of us - the writing was appearing on the wall, even if we didn't want to read it. The staff are great – all seem kind, relaxed, friendly, concerned. Willing to talk a little – but not too much – getting on with their jobs as necessary. There’s a good atmosphere. Helps ChickPea’s head to cope, even if her heart and emotions are totally screwed up just now. Is To Be Expected, I guess……….
1 comment:
I have spent the evening reading your blog - especially the various articles about DJ.
Life is very difficult and different where someone you have cared for goes into care.
At one point my mother was looking after my grandmother (GM) (in her nineties) who had a similar life to DJ until being moved north (in her case) several hundred miles at the same time as my father was in and out of hospital following several strokes.
GM arrived whilst father was in hospital and resented his appearance. He got more and more infirm, whilst GM baited him more and more. Mother was stuck in the middle. Respite care (for GM) was a wonderful relief, IT was during one of these periods that dementia was diagnosed. Ultimately GM was taken into a resdential home, from which she kept asked "When was HE going so she could go home". HE being my father. GM passed on in Spring 2003
Unfortunately like DJ my father started falling - both whilst walking round the house and out of bed, however Mother was unable to lift him back so had to call help. On morning in May 2002, Father fell and when picked up it was discovered that a stroke had left him paralysed from the waist down. A visit to hospital became a place in a home - which he was in for 18 months until his health got worse and was in intensive care during Lent 2004. Every time the phone rang we did not know what to expect. He did get slightly better and was moved to a long stay hospital near to Mother. There he stayed until a final series of strokes occured. A few weeks later he went to meet Our Lord.
Looking after GM and Father at home showed on Mother, however even though she visited them when in (different) residential homes. Initally she felt she had to visit, however she started to live her own life. One thing Mother was told at one of the homes was not to have a routine for visiting. Go on different days and different intervals. The visitee then does not get anxious when a routine visit takes place. This especially helped when Mother had to go into hospital herself.
Chickpea, I trust and hope that you, TH, DJ, Ms Mog, Mr Mutt and The Ladies find what is best from your current situations.
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